Hi, my name is Stella and I’m addicted to social media. Honestly. Five days ago had someone mentioned “Social media addiction”, I probably would’ve laughed at you. I didn’t think it could be a thing like alcoholism or shooting up dope with toilet water. Dammit, its just as painful a withdrawl, at least emotionally.

In “The Doctor’s Opinion” section of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (p. xxviii), alcoholics (or addicts) are described as “restless, irritable, and discontented”. You can bet your ass that I am each and every one of those things right now, 4 days out from having my social media accounts stolen by scammers. I am also hostile, sore, wildly anxious, emotional, nauseated, exhausted, and generally NOT nice. Yep, actual physical pain. I’ve been crying for seemingly no reason and I feel like a raw nerve. I’m snapping at people. And I’m obsessing over my lost social media. I want every greasy detail of whatever is being done and all the scams being perpetuated. I have friends reporting from all corners of the internet. I may even be in mourning for it. My social media is 16 years of intellectual property. Do you think that the perpetrators will be charged with any of that if ever discovered? Nope. Probably not.

The worst part is that I think all this was an answer to a prayer. I prayed for more time to write and focus on building my blog sites. I prayed for more time for myself to exercise, to write, to rest. I was thinking I would suddenly have better time management skills, now here we are. I have an additional 6 to 7 hours a day to do those things. God-as I understand Him-is a funny dude. Not funny ha-ha though a lot of the time.

In true super nerd fashion, I’ve been looking for scholarly articles on social media addiction. The research is being done, that much I can report. However, all that it shows thus far is that, yes, social media is addicting. What’s missing is education and intervention ideas to combat it from happening. I also learned that the average American woman my age spends about 2 hours and 5 minutes on social media daily. Those are rookie numbers! I spent on average 3 times (!) that much on social media. That’s just an average! Some days it could be 8 or 9 hours! The numbers and Apple’s analytics don’t lie: your girl is addicted. Its so embarrassing to admit, since I am well educated and already in recovery from pain pills and alcohol. I knew the signs were there, and it was affecting my relationships at home. I was where all addicts start: in denial.

Whenever I was questioned about my profound occupation with social media, I would always say-only quasi jokingly-that its where my friends live. This is in part true, I have “real” friends that I can only keep up with on social media; the downside of a life spent on the move. There was always someone to interact with and I reveled in the emotional payoff from posting something that garnered a lot of responses. It made me feel brilliant, or funny, or at least worthwhile and relevant. I realize now, a few days removed from it, that so much of my non-screen time is spent thinking about what I want to post next. Will it be funny or serious? I find myself crafting and polishing my thoughts to find the right expression or just the right way to deliver a thought. I’m a writer, why am I wasting all that good work on social media? I could be doing what I’m doing now: actual writing with a purpose. I believe I will start writing my imagined status updates down and maybe blog about them instead. Expand the ideas and truly bring them to life. Both silly and serious.

Now, I guess the question becomes, “Will I go back after the election?” I don’t rightly know yet. I’m afraid it will be like all other addictions and only get worse after a period of abstinence. I had already forced myself to give up arguing with people on the internet for fun. (I miss that.) It didn’t ever live up to the hype. No one would ever bow down in surrender or even tell you that you win or you’re right, they just quit responding. What a let down.

Another thought I’ve had is that if I start a new page or pages that it won’t be watched so closely as my old one. Meta hates me because I’m a kook and will write some unhinged stuff from time to time. It takes a minimum of 60 seconds for my stuff to post so the fact checkers and anti hate speech AI to review it before it will post. If I’m being honest, I enjoy the idea of being on a watch list somewhere. I imagine my “wanted” poster on the wall in the offices of whomever watches that stuff. “Stella Gayle. Wanted for public honesty and general kookdom. Spreading tough truths and radical kindness for all”. I hope they use my profile picture on the poster and not an actual picture of me though. Not that I use filters, its that I generally look like a goblin, but I clean up nicely from time to time. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

As I finish this post I am 7 days without my social media and I haven’t died. Its been difficult this week. I have started reading books again. I’ve been listening to a lot of music and writing (obviously). I was encouraged by a member of my recovery community to think about what I truly value and start prioritizing accordingly. I’m praying to stay right sized and remember my place in the universe…I am but a speck of dust in the infinite wonder of it all. “I may simply be a single drop of rain” Johnny Cash sang in the song “Highwayman”. That is how I want to see myself, a single drop of rain. That is all I am in relation to the Universe anyway.

What happens now? I’m not sure. I’m off until the election is settled, at any rate. I don’t think I could emotionally survive the divisiveness out there. I’m one little kook mining memes and spreading the idea that radical acceptance and kindness can go a long way to get things back to normal. In my mind I’m a farmer tending my crops…love and light and humor.

Thanks so much for reading. I love y’all. Stay fresh, cheese bags.