Saturday evening I was riding in a naked Jeep yelling the lyrics to “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds”. I was joyful. True joy. And I wondered how my life became this good. The wind was whipping my long hair out of its ponytail and I had big sunglasses blocking the blazing sun. I was smiling wide and toothy, my true smile. I never knew it could be like this.

When I was young, I read A LOT. I would get lost in the stories and dream of a life other than the one I had. Its probably how I became a writer. I can conjure up a story out of anything…and its how I also became a prolific liar.

The lying has ceased, thank God. I lied about everything, no matter how small. I might even lie about what I had for breakfast just to seem more interesting to others. I never felt good enough and thought that I needed to lie for other people to like me or want to be around me. My life is and has always been interesting, so looking back I don’t get the need to lie. Thankfully that has stopped and I can be trustworthy and consistent.

I spent more than a year lost, searching, and healing. It was intense. I had a breakdown when I realized that I am and have always been “weird” (turns out its just ADHD and autism). I was measuring myself against an impossible standard. I was never going to measure up to my own expectations or the ones my mother had set for me. I can’t keep a clean house. I find small things and details important. I am obsessed with my backyard birds. My hair will never be tamed. I don’t wear makeup. I want to dress comfortably, even if it means I wear men’s clothes. I want to be outside every minute I can, dirt under my nails makes me profoundly happy. I love my truck like some people love others. I love those in my life almost violently, I’m very passionate about those I care about.

I clawed out of my breakdown a new me. I accept myself where I am. I love who I am at long last. I am no longer suicidal. I am better able to interact with others. I am keeping my side of the street clear now.

Back to my book obsession…I devoured everything V.C. Andrews. I became enamored with the idea of living in the American South. I always wanted to know what someone would look like with flaxen hair and cerulean blue eyes. It all seemed so romantic to me. Plus, I’ve always been a runner, so running away has been attractive to me.

Travel nursing provided me with the opportunity to run away with some money in my pocket. I’ve been all over: Dallas, Lexington, Memphis, Winston-Salem, Florence, Savannah, Minneapolis, Arizona. Looking, searching, trying like hell to find where I fit. I loved them all except Winston-Salem. Oh, the traffic and roads in Dallas were scary, but I loved it there.

I kept coming back to Florence, South Carolina. It was small and fun and close to the beach. I enjoyed the insane work I was doing. So I decided to stay. That was 10 years ago now. I believe its the longest I’ve lived in one place as an adult.

Oh! And Oz is here. Let me start by saying I didn’t move to be with this man. He was my boyfriend but we weren’t serious enough to move for him. He even said, “Don’t move here because of me”. Red flag? Probably. At the time though, I didn’t give much regard for the others in my life. I just did what I wanted, regardless of its impact on the rest of the people in my life.

Here I am, 10 years in. My man has flaxen hair and cerulean blue eyes. His speech drawls in a rich baritone. My childhood dreams fulfilled for how a partner would look (he acts like a great partner as well). I love living in the South, it is everything I had hoped for. Well, except the horrific drivers here. Most people are nice, open, and much more accepting than you might think.

My best friend and Oz’s momma, Big Dog has been a wonderful surprise. We have lunch together everyday and run around shopping and looking at flowers. We support each other. She helped me come out of my breakdown, the routine of having to get dressed and go to lunch daily was like an buoy bringing me back to reality. She kept me rooted in reality. She has no idea what she means to me and I wish she would believe me when I tell her I need her as much as she needs me.

Now I am free enough to let go. Let go of people’s expectations. Let go of my false beliefs about myself. Let go of guilt and self hate. I accept myself and what will happen. I love my life and I don’t hate me. That’s quite a change.

So yes, I can scream “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” like a crazy person in the sunshine. It feels incredible to be free. To stand on my own without the weight of expectation has been eye opening and at times scary. Its so worth it. Who knew that a naked Jeep could be such good therapy?