Let’s jump into the “Way Back Machine” and go to about the summer of 1986. I was 10 and Bob was 8 at the time. I’m basing this estimate on the fact that “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” was available on VHS and BetaMax, and that “Pee Wee’s Playhouse” started that fall on Saturday Mornings.

My memories are fairly vague from my childhood except for a few outstanding ones preserved intact in my supercomputer of a brain. This particular memory exists for both myself and my brother, so its a treat! Anyway, here we go, into the “Way Back Machine” (ala Mr. Peabody, not Google)…

It had been a fairly hot summer day. Bob and I had rounded up some money somehow-I think it was our allowance from helping make jewelry for Mom’s work from home job-and bought a case (!) of Mountain Dew and some assorted snacks from Knowlan’s Grocery Store (let’s pause here a minute. Do y’all remember what grocery stores used to smell like before they became the size of Walmart? It’s one of my favorite smells. That mixture of apples and floor cleaner and boxes is almost comforting to me.). We walked to Video Update to pick out our movie selection for the night and lo and behold, “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” was available!! Finally!

The overall story of that night is fairly simple: Bob and I stayed up all night watching Pee Wee over and over and over. We were slamming Mountain Dews like it was water from the garden hose. We were sitting on a floral velour couch side by side all night. I’m talking zero sleep. Just Pee Wee over and over and over and over and over. From the opening with his Rube Goldberg machine to make breakfast to when he stole his own bike back dressed as a nun. Every time Large Marge appeared on the screen we jumped at her Claymation face. (For the record, I jumped again yesterday when I rewatched the movie.) As for me, by the time morning rolled around I was punch drunk with a gut ache from all the garbage we ate and drank during our baby rave. I felt like I had ridden the Tilt-a-Whirl all night. Ugh. Just ick. It was my first go round with a sort of hangover and I did NOT like it.

I vaguely remember our mom coming in from work, I think. She just let us go about our business. She may have given us her Cheetos even. Our dad must’ve been living with our grandparents then, because he wasn’t there.

This speaks volumes about our childhood. Mom working, always working, to keep us in the suburbs. I don’t think she thought she was neglecting us. But we were feral children. Not in the cute way we talk about it now. Bob and I were left alone a lot, like everyday. I feel guilty for saying that. Mom worked HARD to keep us where we were. Bob and I strung jewelry for hours after school, even at that age, to help get money into the house.

In talking about that night, Bob and I agree that it was possibly when the addiction switch was flipped for us. We realized that substances (in this case a ton of caffeine and junk food) could make us feel better. Or feel something, anything, that was better than our everyday lives.

We were little. Really little. I look at my neighbor boy who is the age Bob was then and think “God, that boy is just a baby, who would leave him alone to his own devices?” Probably no one. But our mother did. 10, the age I was then, is still too young to be left alone, let alone to watch one’s self as well as a younger sibling. What was Mom thinking, locking the family out? I don’t get it. At all. We as children would have benefited from family support, even if she shunned it.

Watching Pee Wee is one of my favorite memories. It really is. Despite it demonstrating how we were left to our own devices. It cemented Bob and I as bonded for life. Without Bob, I don’t know if I would believe all the stuff that happened in those times. My memory is dark and cloudy, but his is sharp. I can ask him about things and he can confirm them. He validates my existence. Bob validates my trauma, and I validate his.

This isn’t a persecution of our mother’s choices. She did what she thought was best at the time, I know. She DID love us, of that I have no doubt. Like I’ve said before, Mom provided us more than she had been given as a child. She gave us a stable place to live, a stable education, and stable food. Those things were the building blocks to get us out, and she knew it. She didn’t know what else to do but work, even if it left us alone for so much of the time.

So, I will end this with a John Steinbeck quote, “I’ve got you to look after me, and you’ve got me to look after you.” That sums up Bob and I pretty succinctly, I feel. Because after all folks, blood is thicker than water.